raising parker. . . part two

it's 1:39 in the morning and i can't sleep.

a.) i'm (almost) 35 weeks pregnant. yeah. . . real comfy. and,

b.) i can't stop all the thoughts in my mind.

you've heard the quote by elizabeth stone, "making the decision to have a child is momentous. it is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body."

well, i feel that. times three. and the time i feel it most is at night. i lay in my bed and think about everything that could happen, everything that will probably happen, and everything that has happened. i evaluate every wrong action and word from that day and promise myself that tomorrow i will act different. tomorrow i will be more patient. tomorrow i will not drive anywhere, because "what am i thinking driving around with my kids in the car? what if...?"

and it's hard to shut off all these thoughts. because the longer i'm trying to fall asleep, the more the thoughts come, and the more thoughts that come, the longer it takes to fall asleep. it's brutal. pregnancy tests should come with this warning: "although a positive result is extremely exciting, be prepared for heartache and sleepless nights."

and what's been on my mind a lot lately is this natural detachment that is occurring between me and parker. perhaps "detachment" is the wrong word, but she's becoming more and more independent. she doesn't need me as much. i don't see her as much as i see macy and oliver. she goes to school, she plays with friends, she does her thing. i have to beg for hugs, and she's already brushing me off when i ask her questions. have i already become the "uncool mom"?

i've always said that when i had parker, the moment i became a mother, it was as if i had run into a wall. all of a sudden i was hit with emotions and feelings i never knew existed. extreme love, responsibility, guilt . . . but magnified to the most extreme degree.

then, as i started to feel like i had a handle on those emotions, i'm hit with a whole new set of emotions as suddenly this great attachment i have with her starts to stretch . . . as i become, no longer, the center of her universe. even though she is still the center of mine.

the other day she was giving me a hug (that i had to beg for), and i was holding on a little longer when she finally got annoyed and said to me, "mom, you can let go now".

well, no.

i can't.