a post about weight

the facts:

i gained 60 pounds with my last pregnancy.

i am currently 35 pounds over my desired weight.

i look like i'm five months pregnant.

lately i have been under fire from a few of my good friends for expressing my dislike over these facts. no, i do not talk about it excessively, it's just that when a fresh batch of pictures sprout up all over the internet (via facebook and various blogs) i cannot not defend myself by stating exactly how much i dislike my present appearance. i just can't let them be out there without me saying something!

a picture is a funny thing. here's the issue. . . in my mind i know i'm 35 pounds overweight. i've seen the number on the scale. i know that none of my clothes fit. i've seen myself in the mirror (although, very discriminately). i know all these things. but when all of a sudden a picture forces me to face the reality of what i really look like (i've managed to avoid having my picture taken for so long), it's like seeing someone you don't know. for real. it's brutal.

mr. weight and i are great buddies. we've known each other well all my life. mr. weight likes to pick on me and i like to fight back. there was the time i lost weight when i was 15. there was the time i lost weight when i was 21. and it's funny/sad how these weight milestones play such a big role in my memories.

"freshman year of high school? oh yeah, i was still chubby then."

"junior year of high school? oh yeah, i was thinner then."

"freshman year of college? getting back to being chubby."

"my wedding day? i was my dream weight."

my biggest weight-related pivotal moment began on december 3, 2000. i decided i was sick of feeling chubby all the time. my pants were tight. i was unhappy. on a whim, i decided to cut out flour and sugar and follow a very regimented way of eating.

december 4th. i started my new "diet". and it worked. i dropped 40 pounds in about six weeks. people thought i was sick. i had friends very concerned about my health. i dropped a size a week. i gave away all my clothes. aubry remembers it as the time i started eating lots of bell peppers and pork.

it was great. (well, not the part about people thinking i was sick.)

finally i was a skinny person! i couldn't even believe it because in my mind i was still chubby. i had been all my life, so it was unreal to suddenly be a size 2/4. that sort of thing really does tricks with your mind. i remember reminding myself that i was skinny. i would be driving and the thought would pop into my head, "oh yeah. i'm skinny."

i managed to follow that program really well for a long time. i didn't cheat (not once!) for three years until i was pregnant with parker. but i was able to get back into the swing of things and get the weight off pretty fast after i had her. and so went every subsequent pregnancy: weight gain, eating regime, weight loss.

for years (minus my pregnancies) i was a skinny person. so now that i'm chubby, in my mind i'm still a skinny person. which brings me back to my earlier point about being faced with the reality in a picture. my mind is all over the place, but the facts cannot be denied.

(in my mind i'm also still blonde, but that's neither here nor there.)

and so, i will do what i always do when mr. weight comes hunting me down. i will work hard, i will eat well and i will achieve the elusive goal weight.

meanwhile, dear friends, no more pictures of me on the internets! i love you all and i know you wouldn't be doing your job as my friends if you didn't tell me i look fine, but now i've explained myself.

truce?